IHOP: International House of PHUCKERY.

In order to work at IHOP you clearly only need to have completed 2 semesters of middle school...MAX. 

as far as i can remember IHOP and i have always had a positive relationship. we've had a rough day here and there, but for the most part we've managed to be civil. welp my friends all that ended today. 

now some may say my hangover was effecting my mood, i however beg to differ. the MORONS working there effected my mood. 

1. IHOP hires the guest stars of "How to catch a predator." this guy was not our server, and thank god for it. he was tall, skinny and had the creepiest baby mustache i've ever done seen. on top of that he kept touching the heads of the children and doing little dances every time someone said "rooty tooty fresh and fruity." i wasn't sure if i wanted to punch him, or call Chris Hanson.

2. IHOP hires serves that have no idea what waiting a table is. as many of you know i work in a restaurant, so maybe i'm a snot but i feel as if serving tables is not rocket scientist. you have a section, you know that section, YOU LOVE THAT SECTION. when your table goes from being empty to being sat, common sense should tell you to go up and talk to the nice people. maybe take a drink order, you know. server stuff. it took him 15 minutes to come to the table. he stood there and watched us FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. ok Danny (his name) get with it. 

3. the girl working the cash register should know how to work the said register. her name was Barbie. that should have been a red flag. we go to pay and the moron has no idea how to divide up our bill. so she ended up charging Brooke for both my and her sandwiches. then another person we were with had to pay twice because she rang  up his food on two separate tabs. once Brooke and i realized something was wrong, Barbie said there was nothing she could do and we needed to figure it out ourselves...really barbs? 

4. the manager yelled at me. after we realized how dumb cash register girl is, i took it upon myself to ask the manager if she could re-ring us up so Brooke didn't have the charge on her card. i looked at the manager and literally explained what happened to her FOUR times. she had no idea what i was doing, and all she could do is yell. YELL. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND." she yelled this at me FOUR times, FOUR. i ended up looking at her and yelling back "NEVER MIND." 

there was so much dumb working in that place, that i feel as if i lost a few vital IQ points. needless to say IHOP, i will be taking my breakfast elsewhere. Pancake House seems like that could be a winner. 

crazy eyes are a real thing.

1. sorry i've been MIA all summer. my life has been a hot mess full of busy-ness (yes, its a word. look it up.) i promise i'll be better at keeping up with this. SWEAR.

2. Lets get into the real stuff.


There are many reasons i'm glad i'm not a man. i love shoes, i love clothes, and i love having a week of my life dedicated to judgement free eating, and bitching.  i also love being a girl because i don't have to date one.

WE ARE CRAZY. this is not a joke. anyone woman that tells you otherwise is a liar. BIG FAT LIAR.

i have proof. three pages of proof. i'm talking college rule.

BACK STORY:
i have this friend, for anonymity purposes we'll call her Tra'fonda. (good luck guess who, ha) she's like future bridesmaid kinda friend.  so, Tra, met this bro. We'll call him Bill. they date for a week, and let me tell ya the week went well...and then the week ended. you'd think being told "you're just too good for me to date." would call for a peaceful separation...FALSE.

the week ended in a hot mess let lead to a THREE PAGE LIST of things she hates about him. FRONT AND BACK.

i'll cut her SOME slack. the front side of page one is things she likes about him...but who wants to read that :)

• -he hasn't texted me back.
• -he goes off-line when i sign on
• he said "liking me" wasn't the problem
• he sweats A LOT
• he never cuddled
• he never brought an overnight bag
• he wasn't crazy about taking pictures
• he hated dancing
• he said my food was decent
• he always hung his towel where mine was supposed to go
• i drank too much...I DON'T DRINK
• he lives in a dorm...
• he wears cargo shorts, EVERY DAY. who still does that?!
• he didn't like my singing 
• he wears his class ring, who still wears college rings?
• he never let me wear his t-shirts
• Dana Zimmeron
• his longest relationship lasted 8 months
• doesn't apologize for anything, even though its always his fault
• he used the word "dookie"- the third grade called, they want their word back. 
• he said i was a daddies girl 
• he said i was spoiled 
• he never rubbed my back
• um in my book, that's a deal breaker... 
• he didn't snore. what man doesn't snore?!
• he loves cold weather
• HIS EX IS A RED HEAD
• it's now 10PM and no signs of life. 
• the fact that he made me make a list of things that i hate about him
• yelling at me for
• parking in a handicapped spot.
• not wearing a seat belt
• hanging my feet out of the window
• putting my bare feet on the dash
• telling my my underwear didn't match
• WANTING SPACE- if you want space go talk to NASA, or move to Russia. 
• being a slack ass, jackass and asshole all at once
• stealing pens. PENS.
• not wanting an inside dog
• eating liver mush
• now its 12AM-no text
• GET A HUBCAP
• texting me and asking how my day went, then not responding
• that's just rude. 
• taking me home to his mom, AFTER A WEEK.
• he smokes a pipe
• is he 80...?
• he talks about needles
• introducing me to everyone in his hometown as "the one" 
• IT WAS A WEEK LONG RELATIONSHIP
• he texts other girls
• taking 16 years to text me back
• he proves everyone wrong, just to prove them right
• he doesn't say goodnight 

And this folks is why we are all crazy. keep in mind this list was just after a week. can you imagine any longer?
The sad truth is we all have these same thoughts...if not worse.


watch out boys. i hope you know the big ball of crazy you're getting yourselves into.

share the road.

i'm a fairly decent driver. i share the road with bikers, i let pedestrians cross the street, i'll even let in the occasional ass-face who waited until the last minute merge into traffic. you'd figure because of all my automotive "pay-it-forwards" i'd have better street karma...

negative, ghost rider. 

today those traffic gods were out to kill me. 

mondays generally suck for everyone. especially those of us (me) that have to be up at 7:30 to make it to their 8am geology class with Sleepy and Smelly. so somehow i managed to get my butt out of bed (considering i got three hours of sleep last night, i'm shocked i made it too class...but that's a whole other story) got dressed (my outfit today consisted of closest t-shirt in reach, gym shorts, and tennis shoes but since there is a sock monster in my house i had to go sockless. i don't recommended that) and run out the door. the drive was going swell until i got out of the neighborhood. in order to get out of my neighborhood you have to turn left, and apparently the soccer mom was too afraid to do so. i sat the the stop sign behind this chick for LITERALLY ten minutes...things only went down hill from there. my next navigational move is a right at a large intersection, no biggie because at this particular intersection you CAN turn right on red. clearly the jeep in front of me didn't get that memo. i sat through every single light change  before jeep even considered moving and even then they had second thoughts. i almost got out of the car to make sure the driver was still breathing. from this point on it's a straight shot to my 8am handicapped spot (thanks again grams). the speed limit on said straight shot is 45, not 25 not 35 not 40...FORTY FIVE MILES AN HOUR. the one day i'm in a rush to get to class no one else in the world is. after what seems to me an hour of hardcore maneuvering i make it to class.

(SIDE NOTE: both sleepy and smelly made it to class on time today; however, they wee both still sleepy and smelly.)

There is not enough character space allowed on this page to continue on with the rest of my motor vehicle encounters today, so here is a brief summary...

1. Ass-face lady, wearing a Michigan hat came inches from backing over me (i have a new respect for those of you at Ohio state, and your hatred of that whole state.)

2. 5 cars were moments away from clipping my poor little civic, but my lightning face reflexes saved the day. 

...then again i only managed to sleep 3 hours last night, so a lot of this could be my fault, but then again, if you look at it, really its boyfriends fault. 

so shout out to my boo, thanks for trying to kill me. 

parking lots.

me and parking lots do not get along. me and people don't normally get along either. put those  two together, and oh dear Jesus, it is no bueno. so this morning i'm trying to park, and much to my dismay i forgot how stupid some people are. as i hit the second floor of the worlds oldest parking deck known to man, i spot a spot! i whipped around the corner so fast i swear i felt the whole thing shake. i get ready to pull my little civic in, and then i realize the DUMB ASS in the mini-van next to me is taking up her spot, plus half of mine...to top that off this biotch is still sitting in her car...watching me try and adjust myself . she then proceeds to get out of her car AND WATCH. after about five minutes of backing up and yelling i gave up and continued on my epic journey. Once i hit floor five, i'm starting to wonder if class is really worth all this baby mamma drama. then from afar i see it, in all its parking spot glory just sitting there next to the door to the stairwell and all. My heart began to flutter in excitement! once i get close enough to pull in out of nowhere this chick, who seems to be the lovechild of Troy Polamalu, Aretha Franklin and maybe a little Shrek...so anyhow this Shemale was LITERALLY standing in front of my car so i couldn't pull into the spot. she was playing the Defensive line, guarding this wonderful spot from me. TR-RETH-EK (this is what i would imagine her name was) was holding the phone to her ear in one hand, and the other one out telling me to stop. we was about to have ourselves a little parking spot show down, civic vs. mount rushmore...it was on. i started to inch closer verrrry slowly. once i got close enough to be within the parking lines homegirl starts to yell "oh my god white girl is gonna run me ova." i swear, those were her exact words...at this point i had no fight in me, so i surrendered to TR-RETH-EK, or so she thought. yes, she did see my drive off into the sunset but she also saw me call security on her. i ended up being late to my 9:30 this morning, but it was all worth seeing TR-RETH-EK, and friend get $100 tickets for violating school policy and disrupting the flow of traffic. 


life is good.

geology.

if you know me at all then you know i am not a morning person.
i don't normally function until at least 10:30, and that's on a good day. so this might come as a shock, but i am in fact taking an 8:30 geology class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. this being said i have done everything in my power to wake up as late a humanly possible on these days. i now have it down to an art, i can wake up whenever as long as i am out the door by 8:10. now many of you might wonder how i pull this
off...
DISCLAIMER:don't judge me for the following statement...
when my grandma passed away, she left me two things: her wedding ring...and her handicap parking pass. before you do judge me (which i know you are) i only use it for this class, nowhere else....i feel like grandma would respect that...


so now on the the real story...
if i can wake up for class, then i think anyone can. this means that the two guys in my class that LITERALLY come in late everyday can figure out a way to make it. the first guy, we'll call him Smelly comes in everyday at exactly 8:45 on the dot. Smelly sits next to me, now smelly wouldn't be all that bad if he just came in 15 minutes late everyday. maybe he works late, or lives far or whatever i could deal with that. No, he's 15 minutes late every day because he stands outside and smokes a cigarette then continues to drink a LARGE red bull. We all know the reason flamingos are pink, because when they eat nothing but shrimp they turn that color...well red bull and cigarettes have the same exact effect on humans. he REEKS of red bull and cigarettes , its like not matter how much Smelly bathes it wont go away. This brings me to Sleepy, Sleepy shows up to class between 9-9:30...class is over at 9:50. not only does Sleepy show with less then half the class to go, he shows up with NOTHING to write on or in, why take up slots in a class that you're indefinitely going to fail. maybe having to deal with Smelly and Sleepy is karma's way of telling me to not pull the handicap card anymore...

thin mints.

i'm not fat. i am a normal person, i am a normal person that has been sitting on her butt for most of the winter because its been too damn cold to drive to the gym. i am also a normal person who, when it's warm, likes any aquatic land mass (except for the lake because i hate mud in between my toes) and also likes wearing as little clothing as possible on said aquatic land mass. that being said  i decided on Monday that i was going on a little diet. Nothing too crazy just a little less binging, and a little more celery. i have been doing awesome, no fast food, lots of fruits and vegetables and no junk i was really happy for myself...until today, when the door bell ring...around 7:30. i start to think to myself "seriously, i'm trying to watch Teen Mom 2. who the eff could this be?" i open the door, and to my shock stands a little girl, but not just any little girl. no, this girl was a girl scout. and in the girl scouts hand was a bag...and i bet you can guess what was in the bag, my worst nightmare. Thin Mints and Samoas. who in their right mind would do this to me? no, she didn't have the wrong house, no someone wasn't playing a sick joke. these cookies were for me, my mother thought it would be a good idea to buy enough cookies for the 3rd world. i'm now convinced she wants me to eat so many cookies that i explode  and so she no longer has to support me financially.

thank you girl scouts of america for single handedly undermining my entire summer.