Thursday, February 23, 2012

i am willing to admit i'm wrong this time...

i've always liked hanging out with guys rather than girls, i used to think they weren't crazy.

my best friend and i have somehow managed to get stuck with a few of the same guy friends since high school. one is a frat-tastic smart ass, another doesn't really think before he acts..or lights crap on fire, and the third is a ginger. I have kept them around because when i get a little crazy they usually give me two options. one, stop being a brat (its usually a different B word) or you have to buy us beer... and usually only one of those things happen...hint: its not choice one...

but as the last week has gone on i've come to realize something. something that doesn't happen very often...i might be wrong about this whole thing...

if you keep up with my blog you should remember the post crazy eyes are a real thing. this post confirms the fact that women are crazy. there is no argument there. but after some serious research I've come to realize that one, guys are crazy, and two they're part of the reason we're crazy.

i'm sure every guy reading this just rolled their eyes, but just wait...i have examples.
Men are giant 8 year olds.

 "if you don't stop texting me, i'm gonna text your mamma and tell her to tell you to stop." 

  • Yes, those words were actually sent to a girl i have a class with, by her ex...who is 25 years old...who did in fact text her first. i watched this conversation take place. As if the argument taking place via text wasn't enough to take me back to the days of rocking out BSB on my portable sony cd player (which i still have), when told he needed to "grow up" he the proceeds to say something to the effect of "I hate your guts."
    ...the third grade called, it wants its insult back.
We're not the only ones that have a special "time of the month."
  • i'm not going too far into detail with the biology behind this one, but trust me it happens. think about all the men in your life, guy think too. whether its your boyfriend, your bros, or your dad it happens. everything is fine. then boom. there it is. 
    • example: i was in the middle of the rant that inspired this post today with a friends whose been with her boyfriend for about a year. the moment i took a second to breath, she chimed in with the words "Lailz, i think you're right." the sound of those words were like music to my ears. she then goes on to tell me that her boyfriend became rather hostile towards her, over something that was completely HIS fault. there was some arguing, then click. someone hung up on the other one...but was it her? one might assume so. it was him. within five minutes he then committed the, popularly used to us ladies,"guilty conscience call back." this is a call placed with in  1-5 minute period of time when the hostile party he yet to simmer down, and is still riding the emotional crazy train. this call usually consists of a little whining, unnecessary begging for forgiveness, and sometimes to occasional tear. all of while we later realize was completely irrational and uncalled for. well folks, yes. his call back, as far as she would admit, did contain 2 out of three of the ridiculous emotions listed above.
      now guys, when your girl acts like this what is the first though that comes to mind...exactly...my point has been proven. (if you can't figure it out, i'm not telling) 
    • example: in class today, i happened to catch the tale end of a conversation between the two girls behind me...
      chick one: girl, my boo got so mad sunday night, we ain't twlked since.
      chick two: aww shoot girl, why?! did he hur about you and dion?!
      chick one: no girl, i lost the remote.
      me: not to intrude, but you have got to be kidding...
      that is a prime example of an over-reactive mood swing, trust me. i know.

please correct me if i'm wrong, and i mean PLEASE, but i see a few good reasons to believe i'm right. you hear people say things like men are simple, or don't read too much into it because he is a man. 
blah.
blah.
blah.
when you have one go from not speaking to you for two weeks, then calling you twenty-two times in thirty-six minutes...or another who you speak to everyday, then somehow falls off the face of the planet...or one whose getting a divorce, but still lives with his ex wife and wants you to come visit...or one that steals your dog and moves to Las Vegas...or that reminds you he still has a key to your house...

so next time, before you tell your friends about your "crazy ex-girlfriend" check your stats bro and make sure you're not the crazy one.

Monday, February 13, 2012

cupid, i work in a restaurant, its nothing personal..

i hate valentines day.

a lot.

yes i know. typical single girl response; but before you sit there and roll your eyes, let me explain something to you. i hate valentines day for another reason.

don't get me wrong, i may or may not be a little hostile i don't have a "valentine" per say, but my hatred stems from a much  deeper, more complicated place...that place being where i work.

i love my job, i really do. i work with some crazy, but amazing people; not to mention the guest that come in on valentines day.

FOR EXAMPLE:

1. i work with this girl, she's great. i do however hate her boyfriend. every year right around valentines day he sends her flowers. not just your standard ,make every girl in the place vomit, roses. NO. he sends her these giant works of art that have to be fork lifted in. under normal circumstances i would only gag, and give a subtle eye roll but on this day the flower delivery man had AMAZING timing. he though it would be a good idea to come in, at 12:30...in the middle of our lunch rush and hand me the flowers. which then causes everyone within a 15 miles radius to ask me who sent me my beautiful atonement. flower man, you suck.
side note: i would also like to mention my two wonderful roommate are in relationships with men who like to
send flowers, so i get to spend tomorrow with florist of south charlotte.

2. apparently valentines day is the one day of the year men think they're creative. well men of the world, your creativity is a pain in my hostess butt. i hate to break it to you, but i am not impressed by your last minute Harris Teeter flower purchase that you so kindly (i wish there was a font for sarcasm) ask me to put on your table...along with a bottle of champagne you'd like pre-ordered...and have me put on your table...in ice...and the order of guacamole you'd like to pre-order and have me put on the table...oh and you'd like to sit in the corner table that seats six...for three hours.
sorry bro. this isn't burger king, and you can't have it your way.

3. valentines day has been the same day for a million years. the day DOES NOT CHANGE. so when you call me the night before and ask to get a table at 7:30 and my response is "we only have 5:30 and 8:45 available." please refrain from having this conversation with me
bro-"ok. well, what about 7?"
me- "No sir, i'm sorry all we have is 5:30 and 8:45"
bro- "what about 7:45."
me- "how about 8:45?"
bro- "no."...and hang up


now please, someone explain to me how your procrastination is my fault?




these are just a few of the, strictly, work related reasons this holiday is crap on a stick.
i have yet to mention chocolate covered strawberries are everywhere, and they are my one weakness...but i refuse to buy them...so if anyone i work with reads this, you should being me some tomorrow night, because i can't be rude and say no.

Monday, February 6, 2012

i need to find a rock, and just stay under it.

Public. Public is a place people can congregate openly. Public is where you are free to be who you are, and the world embraces it. Public, public. for the people. by the people. 

that being said, public is not the place to do non-public things. perfect example: you do not empty your bladder in public, that is, in fact something that is frowned upon. i'm going to take a guess, and this is a long shot, and say this is why they created public restrooms. 

the public restroom is a wonderful creation, it was created so the public could take part in out of home activities without natures call impeding on their time out and about. 

some places have big bathrooms, some places have little bathrooms, but all in all everywhere has a bathroom. 

all that being said, lets get down to business (pun intended)...

in a perfect world i would be able to go outside and only interact with a select few. this is clearly not a perfect world (they let Madonna perform at the Superbowl, get real america). because of this not so perfect world i am forced to live day to day not knowing what moron is going to jump out and, in Chuck Norris fashion, roundhouse kick the crap out of my afternoon. 

As a woman i know the ups and downs of make-up. i know touch ups are necessary. i also know that anyone who carries around a curling iron in their purse deserves to be voted off the planet....
I was at lunch, in a public place. this place had a public bathroom. this public bathroom was clearly made for quick trips. one sink, no counter, and the i'm pretty sure my iphone screen was bigger than the mirror, yet there were two stalls (add this to the list of things that blow my mind). there was clearly only room for one person in that bathroom, and i had to make my move. i go in, do what i need to do, then as a clean member of society i decide to wash my hands. 
i get in line behind what looks to be an imitation Dolly Parton. She stand there touching up her eyes, her lips, and all the other plastic body parts attached to her face. i literally stood there for five minutes waiting in her to finish. after a solid seven minutes i thought to myself "maybe she just doesn't know you're behind her."...once this thought crossed my mind i then took upon myself to suffer from a tuberculosis like coughing fit. i assumed she would notice me, and be on her merry way...

FALSE.

Dolly turned around, smiled at me, and told me i should really get my cough looked at. as if that wasn't enough she then proceeds to pull a CURLING IRON out of her purse, and plug it into the wall. i was at a loss for words. me. no words. when does that ever happen? 
she then curled her hair while i stood there in shock, she even got a little hair spray on my face....

just when i though i had just endured the most ridiculous public bathroom experience in my life, once Mrs. Parton packed up her big 'ole bag of tricks and walks out, she stops halfway out the doors, turns around and looks at me...(this is the best part)...and says "patience is a virtue young lady."

i have now loss what little faith i had for the public, and Dolly Parton.