Sunday, November 4, 2012

Dear Past Me, You're a Moron.

In the car today Brad Paisley's song "Letter's to Me" came on the radio and it got me thinking about everything I've done in my past. I started reflecting on the last 22 year of my life and I came to a realization...I've done A LOT of dumb shit. Like really really dumb things...and the best part is I usually got caught.

I've decided to write a series of letters to myself over the years.


Also, for legal reasons...MOM, if any of this is news to you sorry bout it. You've missed your window of anger and can hold nothing against me. Love youuu.



Dear me at 3: Your sister is not going anywhere. This means stealing the Skin So Soft (bug spray) out of your Dad's soccer bag, hiding it in your Play School oven, and drinking it at 11:30 one night in hopes of getting the attention back is a terrible idea. It only ends bad for you; they make you eat charcoal and your father will spend the 20 minute car ride back (and some random afternoons to this day) yelling at you.

Dear me at 7: I understand you're new at this school, but telling the other kids you have a pony that lives in your bed room will blow up in your face. You'll start to make friends, and when you do they'll come to your house and ask about said pony. You'll get out if it by telling them it died, and crying.

Dear me at 9: Don't try to curl your sister hair with a power drill, it won't work. Sorry Syd.

Dear me at 12: When you fail your first math test, don't forge your moms signature, but if you do don't hand your teacher a check right after. You won't be able to talk your way out of this one...telling your teacher your mom was pretending to be left handed for a day won't work. Neither will crying. Chalk that test up as a loss, you'll quickly learn numbers aren't your thing.

Dear me at 15: Taking your parents car to go get dinner while they're out is a bad idea. You need to remember, that sister you harassed for years can now talk and she will enjoy telling on you the moment they get home. You'll be forced to go a month with out AIM and your cell phone. You'll think about running away  but I'm letting you know now your bedroom window is a lot higher off the ground than you think. Don't try to sneak out of it. You will try, and you will fall. HARD.

Dear me at 16: DON'T TAKE THE US HISTORY TEST OFF OF MR. ABBOTT'S DESK. You and Mike, and everyone else will get caught. Don't take it to the library and make copies of it, you will get caught. Don't give them to Alexa to pass out, you will get caught. You will walk into class the next day and it'll be a COMPLETELY different test, and you will be screwed. You will then be called to the office and forced to tell the wonderful Mr. Abbott about why you and all your friends thought it was a good idea. You'll have fun with this one.

Dear me at 17: You and Liz shouldn't throw a party at her parents' house. In the event you do, DO NOT PUT THE PICTURES ON FACEBOOK. You'll get busted for lots of things because of Facebook, so you should avoid it. Starting now. You'll be forced to spend the next two summers hiding from her parents. Sorry Betty Ann and Keith.

Dear me at 20: You're so close to 21! Don't use your fake ID at Angry Ale's. The bouncer will take it, and your boyfriend at the time will leave you outside, BY YOURSELF, because "its not his fault you're not old enough." But wait, there's a plot twist....after he leaves you outside, you'll realize he's your ride home. HAVE FUN WITH THAT ONE.



After reevaluating my life, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about my Life Coaching Career. But just for the record, I still stand by my dead horse story. Sparkle just couldn't handle the move.

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